Thank You For Being Rich!

Back in my bartender days, there was a customer (whose name I've long since forgotten) who was a millionaire and had a seat on the Chicago Board of trade. I was not impressed. To me, he was just another boozer who was NEVER satisfied with the potency of his drink and ALWAYS complained. I remember entertaining the notion of pulling his head back, pouring a full bottle of rum down his throat and then topping it off with a shot of coke.

Never did that though but, no doubt he would have complained about the drink not being "strong enough..."

You see, aside from being an alcoholic complainer, the guy was a cheapskate to boot. He would either "forget" to tip or grudgingly leave a dollar-or worse- change. Yet some of the bartenders worshiped and respected him. Because he was a millionaire. I guess they thought some of his money-making skill would rub off on them. Perhaps they thought that to receive money in the form of a tip from him would cheapen the adoration of him and compromise their own dream of wealth. One barmaid, when I commented on his being a cheapskate, told me: "Silly- that's probably why he's rich and you're not!"

A few years later, working as a painter for a millionaire East Indian, I heard the same logic from a co-worker when she and I commiserated about how cheap he was. In her case she was an underpaid secretary and I was a wrongly paid painter. She, and others, who complained, explained the method to the madness of his road to wealth as being 'frugal".

"That's why he's rich!"

In my case, I felt I was wrongly paid by him in that he insisted on paying me as an independent contractor making me responsible for the full payment of my taxes. Though this is common in the trades, it is frowned upon by the IRS who feel that employers should help shoulder the burden of taxes. Whereas I can see a jack-leg paint contractor- just scraping by in life- not having a payroll, this guy had a company that probably employed 300+ people. Why couldn't he find room on the payroll for one painter?

Good question and one I asked many times of him, particularly when he asked me to get and pay for my own workmen's compensation through my brother-in-law who actually DID contract with him but, DID NOT employ me. Dozens of times I had to explain to this millionaire businessman that I worked for HIM, NOT JIM. I would have thought that the checks he signed each week to me would have tipped him off.

"That's not saving me money", he would often reply.

We all heard that phrase a lot from him. It seemed that, in his mind, all people on earth were here to save him money. I got the part where he came from a culture where bargaining is part of life. He didn't get the part where in America, when the gallon of milk is $2, THAT is YOUR price. Shop around, get it cheaper down the street but, the check out girl at Jewel is not allowed to negotiate the price of milk with customers.

Working for this guy was one of the easiest jobs I ever had. The electricians and the handyman I worked with were all getting screwed in their own right by this cheapskate but, times were tough then (though not as tough now)and we were lucky to be working. Like a lot of dishonest people, he was paranoid about others being dishonest with him. He was afraid we might cheat on our time so he insisted we begin and end each day punching the time clock at his office. Seemed silly to me as our work was always 15 some minutes away and time on the job was lost having to go to the office every morning and leave the job site early every afternoon to punch out. It didn't seem productive to me.

It became less productive when we'd meet each morning in our shop- our secret hideout- after punching in, to drink coffee and chat for an hour before heading off to work. We'd knock off about 2 in the afternoon to get back to the office to punch out at 3:30. Um, lunch was kinda long too... I know this wasn't "right' and didn't display the proper work ethic I'm known for but, the guy was screwing us and we felt we had to get some enjoyment out of it. The work got done but we happened to do it in 5 hours rather than the eight we were being underpaid for. I felt like a union man. An underpaid union man though...

To my knowledge, the Indian never found out. When he laid me off for a "lack of work" he called me back within two weeks and demanded that I take a $2 cut in pay because he couldn't afford to pay me what he had been under-paying me. Mind you, I knew of this mans empire. I had painted his home, the former mansion of a mobster, sitting on 5 acres in OakBrook. This sonovabitch was not close to hurting for money. In our meeting, he passed a piece of paper to me with his offer scribbled on it as if I were buying a used car. My dumbass had thought I could get on his payroll but his offer was the same money if I bought my own workers comp or $2 an hour less if he lied and said I was on HIS workers comp.

In my time off from him I had printed up business cards and actually gotten some work already so, I laid a card down and told him that if he needed any painting done, I would give him a good price...

He was incredulous. He considered me disloyal. I never worked for him again. After all he had done for me...

When tax time came, coached by my mother-in-law who worked for an attorney, I filed an appeal with the IRS. She knew from experience that the IRS has strict guidelines about who was and was not, an independent contractor. I clearly was not. They have a list of 20 questions to see if you met their criteria. Let me tell you, if you're punching a clock, you're an employee. That's just for starters.

I had practically begged this man, time and again, to put me on his payroll and he refused. I don't know if he told the IRS "THAT'S NOT SAVING ME MONEY!" but, if he did, they didn't listen. In the end, I got my tax bill cut more than in half and he had to pay the rest. We're talking a few grand. To an average millionaire- pocket change- but, it might as well have been a million to him. It truly was the thought that counted with him. I hadn't seen a rich man so hurt since I refused to buy a drink for the stock broker.

So, it deeply fucking pains me to see my fellow Americans fussing about president Obama's assertion that the rich should pay their fair share of taxes. Comedian Lewis Black explains this as the common American fantasy that you too may hit it big and be rich some day. Don't pick on rich people- I hope to be one some day! I think it's that and the hero worship that we have for money in general and rich people in particular. If I WERE rich, I wouldn't want to be picked on. Who would? But, like Black also says, after you tax rich people, THEY ARE STILL FUCKING RICH!

But, regular Americans and those anti-American teabaggers scream about the rich as being mistreated and about them being the one's to lead us out of the recession. Gosh, maybe it was the poor people on Wall Street and in the banks who got us into this mess? They outsource jobs over seas ...to save money... and use illegal aliens (cheap labor) to save money and they want our help in avoiding taxes...to save money... This is somehow good for America? Allowing them to do all this will lead America out of this recession? Is this that "trickle down' crap again? It seems to me that the Titanic has struck an iceberg again. We'll get on the boats after the rich people do. As soon as they get to safety, they'll surely send for us. They need us, don't they? Who will speak for them...