Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hearts and Minds

What happened on the threads last night wasn't about winning hearts and minds or destroying the regulars or ruining the Amy/Abby threads on Topix. That was never my intention. I simply wanted to put it out there that, if a person tells a lie about me, that person must answer for it. We now know that in Iraq there were no weapons of mass destruction. We now know that in Salem Massachusetts in the 1600's, dunking a woman in water or setting her on fire DID NOT prove that her accusers were right when they said she was a "witch". And, we now know that just because a woman says that I sent her pictures of my penis and love e-mails, doesn't mean that it happened. Once again: It did not happen. I encourage her to prove it. She can't. It didn't happen.

I wouldn't expect her to apologize to me. An apology would also be a confession of her guilt and that's just not gonna happen. It's possible that, in a weak moment- if pressed by her innie friends to tell the truth- she might fess up to them that it was all an obscene lie on her part. I'm sure that they would stand by her side, forgive her and comfort her.

"Well, look how he reacted to it!", they might exclaim. "Does an innocent man proclaim his innocence?! The bastard probably won't even apologize to you for forcing you to lie like that! The...MR. MAN!"

Then, all will be made better when the e-cookies and e-bubble tea are passed around for the e-innies to enjoy...

That wouldn't surprise me at all. I don't need apologies or confessions. The problem wasn't with the Amy/Abby threads. People like them. I like them as well. There is a lot of good humor, information and love regarding those letters. My initial problem was with Angeliques "stories" which were often mean but, admittedly, merely fucking stupid 95% of the time. Most, if not all, of the offending stories are long gone now. The end result of my initial fussing with her was that now they are "offshore" where innocent victims of her mean spirit can't see them. Now she will put up innocuous stories so that people can "see" that (now at least) she meant no harm. She's already passing out the e-treats in the same thread that the battle took place on last night, in her effort to win hearts and minds. Hey, this is the internet, this is America. If grown women want to have imaginary tea parties with imaginary people- have at it.

I was distressed to learn that one of the objects of innie scorn and ridicule had been long since aware of the stories and the not so- secret conversations about him on not so-secret threads. It makes me wonder who else suffered at her hands. Who suffered in silence? This fight began last night with a question about what might have become of a poster called Logic Police. A couple of other people who had left the fold were mentioned. I "knew" LP pretty good. She was tough. I felt she bailed simply because she saw the futile inanity of dealing with some of these regs. Perhaps it had been the same with HofC and Polarity. I don't know. It's better to up and leave a gang rather than get "jumped out".

The regs will go on. So will Amy and Abby and those Obama Birther threads will- I promise you- NEVER END. Such is e-life. New regs will join, some will drift away. I think that a couple have seen what happened to me had had that there but for the grace of god...moment. The little boy just didn't cry wolf but one time, did he?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Who's Your Boss?

I was sitting on a 5 gallon bucket yesterday, cleaning out a brush, enjoying the silence. The birds were singing, a Harley rumbled by and the kids two doors down in back were happily playing yet, the silence was deafening. It's what I wasn't hearing that was so enjoyable.

If a Ferrerman sets down to clean a brush and no one is around to say: "WHY ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?", is the Ferrerman not damn lucky?

In the South at least, for a painter to sit down at anytime other than break or lunch is a crime right up there with Yankee armies invading southern soverenignty or harboring a runaway slave. Why, it's just wrong. It causes much gnashing of teeth by bosses and co-workers alike. From a co-workers perspective, the guy sitting down is just about the laziest, non-painting m-ferer one has ever seen. One must go to the boss and report this setting sighting at once. The boss, whether he see's or hears of the sitting, will have smoke coming out of his ears like no cartoon characters business. There are two things that paint superintendents hate. One is the bucket sitting, the other is painters not rolling down far enough to cover the base. Surprisingly, these two hates are also the two qualifications necessary to run a paint crew. If you can cuss people out for sitting down while working and if you can constantly remind a rollerman to "roll down far enough to cover the base", you are qualified to run a paint crew. That IS all you need to know. It helps if you suck as a painter yourself and you're golden if you are the bosses kin and otherwise unemployable. Sometimes, nothing succeeds like success at nothing.

Lucifer T Dork (not his real name) was the idiot brother of one of the owners of Ratmo Construction (not it's real name). When I met him he was 44 years old and claiming 33 years of painting experience. The math on that tells me that he turned pro at the age of 11. Wow, you need to listen to a guy with that much experience.

No, you don't. Lou had made up his experience. Yes, he had painted when he was 11 years old. Daddy had been a house painter and used both his sons as cheap labor while he drank whiskey and cussed the boys out while he sat under a shade tree, drowning his demons and creating some for his children. Lou went on to tell me that he had had his own business- he painted bridges- but that he had lost the business during a divorce. Nope. Prior to his brother promoting him to paint cew superintendent, the closest he had come to being a working painter was to stand next to a working painter and explain to him why the wall the painter needed to paint was not ready to paint. At Ratmo, Lou had trained as a sheetrock finisher for two years. He wasn't very good at that either, from what I would later hear.

Every boss has to act like he knows everything you don't and that that is why he is your boss. Lou would say things to us like: "Did you know that you could thin latex paint with alcohol?" I pondered that. I guess that you could but, why would you do this? Technically you could thin it with your own piss but, why? Lou regaled us with similar pearls of his wisdom for the six years I worked at Ratmo. Once he told me and Steve G, that he had taken ten I.Q. tests in that past year and his score was 162. I'll never forget stifling my own laughter while watching Steve, hunched over, hands over his mouth, walking away from the conversation stifling his own laughter while I held my tongue. Lord I wanted so badly to tell him that he wasn't supposed to ADD up all his scores. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Lou was our "good boss". Had this been Little Jimmy, I would have been all over it. Lou was comical to the crew and so was Little Jimmy but, whereas Jimmy was evil and vengefull, Lou wasn't. He was the fool you gladly suffered because he could over-rule, Jimmy, the insufferable little prick. Sometimes you gotta pick your poison.

I don't recall Lou ever grieving me for sitting down while I worked. If he had, I had probably gently set him straight. I'm just a couple of years younger than him so, I've got my aches and pains from working for a living just like he could claim. Working on my knees is a trial. Knee pads help but, as I grew older the less I abused my knees, the better. If I had to work low and be in one place for 5- 10 minutes, I'd pull up a bucket and work off of it. Being 6 foot two, the bucket also served as a table for my cut pot while running a door frame and (if the safety man wasn't around) it was also a five gallon ladder to quickly get to those hard to reach places.

No boss could ever grasp this. The bucket, for me, was a tool to help me perform my job. It wasn't a lounge chair. Most bosses will tell you that it's not their purpose to tell you HOW to do something, it's just their job to make sure you do it. That's all. Unless you're sitting on a bucket. Then you should be beaten with a four to eight rolling pole.

I don't have a lot of work right now but I do have a boss who isn't an idiot. And, I've got a five gallon bucket.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Highest Court In The Land

This would be, of course, the court of public opinion. I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately not because of the foolishness that involved me but, rather, the absurdity of the David Letterman/Palin saga.

That was clearly a case of it being "the singer, not the song".

As a woman I e-know pointed out on one of the million or so threads about the subject, other high profile comedians had made similar jokes about both Palin daughters in the past several months. She asked where people's outrage was then when Leno, Conan and Seth Meyers of SNL had been every bit as vulgar as Dave and each of their shows is widely viewed. Well evidently Dave is seen by the right as being far more left than those three. And that is was made him wrong.

It wasn't that good of a joke and I feel that he was wrong to tell it. Sarah Palin being Sarah Palin lends herself to ridicule. Comedians waited for her to write their material during the campaign and she's still fodder for them now. Her kids, or my kids or your's shouldn't be punchlines. It's just that simple.

So, Dave apologized. We all say things that we regret. I have- not lately- but, I have in the past. When I'm wrong, I do apologize. His apology, while sincere, was far funnier than the joke itself. You have to take comedy in context. Yes, he was sorry that the joke had been misinterpreted by some as being aimed at the 14 year old Palin daughter. But also yes that he saw the absurdity of having to apologize for the PERCEPTION of the stupid joke. Like he said, if you have to explain a joke, it wasn't funny.

It wasn't as bad as the other late night comedians jokes of the same vein. But, Dave had been hard on Bush and he had skewered Palin as well and he had gotten a ton of mileage out of John McCain blowing off an appearance on his show and all that, plus the dumb joke, was just a hanging offense for the thousands of folks on the right who see him as an enemy of the right and the comedic wing of the left. Well, when it isn't Jon Stewart...

As with all issues of our time, every thread on the subject became "US vs. THEM" . Letterman had only recently married the woman he has a son with. This caused some people to declare his child a "bastard" because, after all, if he was going to insinuate that Bristol Palin's child was a bastard...

He didn't do that. No child choses his parents or the timing of their nuptials. Just my opinion here but, no child in the history of the world has been a bastard.

To some it also meant that it was now okay to refer to Michele Obama as a "gorilla"or a "monkey".
I don't know how the connotations or denotations of that came to be but, they had already been doing that anyway. I guess that Dave somehow justified that. It's pretty easy to justify one's own party's asshole behavior when the perception appears that a member of the other party came thisclose to doing the same thing.

So, who says that Dave is a democrat? I've never heard that he said that. He's an entertainer, not a politician. His job is to get as many people to like him as possible. Maybe 5% of his show is the monologue and political humor. It's wise for him to not take sides and come out-as it were- as favoring either side. He makes jokes. He could be a card carrying Republican in the voting booth for all anybody knows but when it comes to making people laugh, it's Republicans hands down that are funny. Dave's just a comedian. If you want to start hanging comedians for bad jokes, start with the Ble Collar Comedy Tour. But leave Ron White alone. That bastard makes me laugh.

Saturday, June 20, 2009


I recently celebrated a birthday. around this time, some of my ex-friends got together and gifted me with a hat.

Well, they called it a hat...

They took a (figurative) dump on my head, called it a hat and are now mortified that I neglected to thank them for the hat.

Headline of this post nonwithstanding, I'm not going to really thank anyone for pooping on my head. Nor will I apologize to people who have admittedly trolled my fake name in the threads and who have shown a Kim Jong Ill level of insanity (see my first post) that just ain't gonna get any better. I refuse to apologize to thieves and liars. Or lackeys. Or lackey's lackeys.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Apologies are in order

I am sorry to say that my first blog is about my penis. I never intended for it to be this way.
Through no fault of it's own, my penis has recently become infamous. Perhaps I should explain.

Like a lot of people, I spend too much time on the Tribune Topix threads. I have enjoyed the political bantering at times (though it's getting old fast) but mostly I have found it to be a good and easy outlet for my humor. An Amy or Abby column and the folks who comment on them just absolutely lends itself to comedy. I've "met" and come to "know" a lot of very interesting people on hundreds of Topix threads. I've made one excellent friend whom I wouldn't have otherwise met in life. And, I've made more than my share of enemies. This, of course, is about an enemy.

I've got an on-going "flame war" with this enemy. She portrays herself as a psychologist out of Portland, Oregon. I say portrays because, hey- it's the internet. Be whoever, whatever you want to be. Before the internet, their were (still are) bars where you could meet mafia hit men, minor league ball players and combat heros of various wars. Now there is the internet. Is this woman a psychologist? Probably, might could be. I don't know. Her general contribution to the dilemmas of a Dear Amy thread is "counseling". She spices this with enough jibber-jabber psyhcobabble to make it look like she has an analytical, professional take on things. She uses the people on the threads as "research" which, evidently, manifests itself as stories that she puts elswhere in Topix. She takes people and their statements from various threads and compiles them into these stories. She incorporates favored regulars into these stories, usually as sexy nurses or hunky orderlies. This delineates a pecking order for the regulars. That's a story for another day. But, she posts day and night on the threads and makes me wonder how she makes time for patients. It's not enough for me to dislike her simply because she is pretentious. Being full of herself is no crime. Being mean is.

Several months ago we were on a thread where a guy out west introduced his eight year old daughter to his new "friends" on the net. Ben/Jason was very proud of Alex and her love of science and books. Young Alex was even able to speak of "string theory", a favored topic of mumbo-jumbo stuff of this psychologist.

Young Alex should not have done that! The psychologist was LIVID! Ben/Jason was (at once) a horrible father who used his daughter to troll for women AND who made up said daughter and gave her inconceivable super psychological powers, heretofore unheard of outside of Oregon and middle-aged female psychologists. She questioned every keyboard stroke Ben/Jason/Alex made. His ISP changed during the course of his posts. So, he was trolling. He wasn't using his real name on his posts. Ben referred to Ben Rothlisberger, the Steelers QB and Jason was Jason Bay who plays for the Boston Red Sox. In her view this was outright deception. Imagine THAT on the internet (Note here: my real name is NOT Ferrerman. Let's be clear about that. Okay? Okie dokie).

The other posters weighed in. Some argued that he was a bad father to expose his young daughter to adult strangers on the net. I wouldn't have done it myself with my son but, Ben/Jason helicoptered and proofed the posts, I'm certain. Some joined the psychologist in her take that the kid was fabricated. No 8 year old could be that smart, they argued. It got pretty brutal towards Ben/Jason. Alex, was safely in bed. The discussion went on for too long and he took it all. His response and the back and forth has long since been deleted but, Ben/Jason was clearly hurt by this treatment at the fingertips of his new-found friends. He went away. Whoever he might be now, I don't know. I hadn't much cared for the psychologist before this incident. I despised her afterwards. There was no GOOD reason to mess with this man regarding his child. None whatsoever!

So, how does my penis figure into this? Better still, how could my penis possibly figure into this? I mentioned the Ben/Jason/Alex saga in a recent thread. The embers of a flame war had been smoldering for weeks. I saw fit to fan those flames a bit. It's not mature but, it makes things interesting. And you'll hear me say this again: It seemed like the thing to do at the time...

Good Lord the threads burst into flames! One of her friends hijacked my name and "brokered" a "truce" with my thread name. The idea was, other people would think that I was suing for peace and if I were to post a cross-word afterwards, I would be a disingenuous a-hole. An evil plan but, admittedly, a good one. It was like Sarah Palin repeatedly mentioning William Ayers and noting that Obama "palled around with terrorists". Most of the regulars- the friends of the psychologist- readily accepted my hijacked postings as gospel. Though since dis-proven, some still think: "Well, he WOULD try and say THAT..." You can't "win" in a war like this. The back and forth fans the flames and it gets sillier and stupider until someone decides to drop the big one...

The big one was picture(s) of my penis. I'm not trying to brag... She told her friends that I had e-mailed her picture(s) of my penis. Her gal-pals were disgusted. This cemented their suspicions that I was a sicko-scumbag. That made it official.

Except, I did not do this. I don't know if anyone actually did this. I wrote "picture(s)" because we still haven't determined if she was (allegedly) sent one or several penile pictures or if they were sent at all. To my knowledge, it's still unclear if she shared the photo(s) with her friends or simply told them of the (alleged) pictures. Though we've never met, she was certain that this was the Ferrerman penis or rather, the penis belonging to me as my nom de IRL. Leastways, she reported it as such. No, not to the authorities. She simply reported it to the jury of her peers. To report it to law enforcement would be a dicey proposition possibly leaving her subject to the penal code...in a way she hadn't figured.

There are no know photos of my junior johnson. I've never mailed or e-mailed photos of mine or anyone's penis to anyone for any reason, at anytime. This could be easily proven by the greenest cop or junior D.A. assuming (which I doubt) that anyone sent her a penis picture at all. She needs to put up or shut up.

She won't. She doesn't HAVE to prove her case to anyone right now. The damage has been done and she has what she wanted- the sympathy and support of her minions. If I were to say "prove it" she would say that in her pain and suffering, she preferred to move on a put the horrific incident behind her...

Such is the bullshit of life. My one true internet friend told me just last night: "You can't win with stupid. Stupid has more experience than you".

Ben/Jason/Alex walked away from stupid. I will too. My friend is right. It's the only way to defeat stupid.


Angelique770 turned out to be a dude named Michael Satterfield. Not sure if any of the dregs knew that then or now. They probably wouldn't be thrilled either way. I long doubted A770 was an actual woman. Played more like a gay dude. The freak is still at it! Sad, but true.