Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Street-fighting Ferrerman

Admitedly, I like to fight. My specialty is fighting actors. I've never been defeated.

It's not because I'm so skilled at the manly art of fisticuffs. It's that actors are generally skilled at stage fighting. They are taught to pull their punches so that no one gets hurt and editing makes it look real. Sound effects too.

When I fight an actor, I hit them and kick them hard and for real. By the time they realize I'm completely un-trained in stage fighting, they are on the ground, writhing in pain, while I go all Robert DeNiro on them with my loafers.

Oh, by the way- I will NOT fight Robert DeNiro. He's a method actor. You don't wanna mess with a guy who purposely gains 60-some pounds to play fat-Jake LaMotta. Are ya crazy? DeNiro gets fully immersed in a role because it adds to the realism. It's in his contract that he actually kills the other actors in his movies (when the script calls for it). DO NOT play Russian roulette with him! He's very good.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I'm Rick Hairyson and THIS is my Post Shop.

Earlier today this guy comes into my shop with posts he says are Ferrerman posts. Ferrerman is one of the hottest posters on Topix. His stuff is GOLD!  He's poignant, thought-provoking, witty as all get out and extremely charming. Word has it that he's quite the charming bottom-spanker in real life as well.

My suspicions however are that these aren't real Ferrerman posts. Because he's so high-profile, he gets trolled a lot. Fake Ferrerman avatars are fairly common. I had one last year that looked OK to the casual eye- the Ferrerman photo of his six year old, handsome self and the quotation/location were current for the time. The problem was, there was an extra "r" in Ferrerman. Trolls do this to get around Topix laws as well as to be assholes. If you're not careful, you might fall for these fakes. Another problem is that trolls archive Ferrerman posts. Some trolls collect absolutely everything he posts in hopes that- I don't know- they'll get the Ferrerman life 'cause they have no life of their own?  So there are roughly 12,000 plus Ferrerman posts out there....some are brilliant, some are funny....some are brilliantly funny. With that many posts, you're bound to get fakes.

The Ferrerman Brand is very important to him but, he does "gray box" post. That's when a poster isn't registered or chooses to post un-registered for a time. In Ferrerman's case, it's to post with a fake, often humorous name, one that pertains to the post itself. The key with these posts is like real estate: "Location, location, location". Anyone who *knows* Ferrerman, knows that his ISP is ALWAYS in the Chicago area. I've seen fake Ferrerman posts from Florida to Ohio to California. The trolls always try to claim Ferrerman has a *proxy server*. No deal. Ferrerman does not use a proxy. Why would he? He's a Hall of Fame Topix poster- perhaps the best ever. Did Babe Ruth ever hit home runs under a fake name for different teams? Well, yes, because his real name was George Herman Ruth but, that's a different story. Ferrerman, because of his Illinois ISP, can't hide so, he doesn't. He WANTS you to know it's him posting. It's like Muhammed Ali standing over an opponent he's just knocked out. He wants you to know that Ali just knocked you out- not Cassius Clay.

So, I ask the jerk-faced weirdo what he wants to do with these posts. Amazingly, he tells me he wants to get Ferrerman banned!

Well, there's no market for banning Ferrerman. This would be like killing Wyatt Earp- Wyatt Berry Stapp Earp, if you're scoring at home. You just don't do it. Topix Boot Hill is full of those who tried, and failed miserably.

So the guy protests that Ferrerman is *mean*. Well, Ferrerman bullies the bullies. Girl-fighters don't stand a chance with him! The guy has never been defeated in political combat either. Because he's left, he's always right so, it's very hard to beat him if you come at him with Foxnews hyperbole and histrionics. I honestly don't know why people try. But then, Topix Boot Hill....

So I didn't even need to call in an expert for these fake, non-Ferrerman posts. I had Big Hoss and Chumlee escort the pathetic loser out of my shop. Then I logged on to Topix to check out the real Ferrerman. That guy cracks me up!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Why we need Ronald Reagan

The guy got things done.

Hostages in Iran? He got them released ON HIS OWN RECOGNIZANCE!

All he had to do was get elected president and, suddenly, Iran was like: "Hey! OK. SORRY! Here's your people! Our bad! Just don't hurt us!"

Communism? How many presidents had spent how many trillions of dollars fighting a Cold War against Russia? All Reagan had to do was say: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall!"

Had anyone else thought to just ask???!!!

And, except for the seven times he did, Ronald Reagan NEVER RAISED TAXES!!!!

He hated BIG GOVERNMENT too. Famously, he said that the most frightening words ever spoken were: "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." George Bush copied off of that for eight years, it was that good.

In Reagan's eight years in office, government was limited to him, the senior George Bush and a guy named Carl who picked up around the White House. Carl, by the way, was not union.

Pretty neat, eh?

Monday, November 14, 2011


The Ferrerman- starring Mr Ferrerman as Mr Ferrerman: an innocent victim of blonde justice. But, that's a story for another day. Falsely convicted of leaving a woman in his car and then selling it...reprieved by fate when a train wreck of a forum freed him enroute to banishment....freed him to hide in not-so-lonely desperation, to even change his identity, to toil on many threads...freed him to search for the fictional character he saw leave the scene of the crime....freed him to run before the relentless pursuit of the fake internet therapist obsessed with his capture.

Tonight's episode: "The Buick"

"Ladies First, Not Always"When out on a date I always open the car door for my lady. But, the way I see it, once i've shown them how the door works they should be able to figure how to get out when we arrive at the restaurant. A few years back, a funny thing happened. I was dating a girl named Liz. Conversation was going well, we were hitting it off and i pulled in to parking lot. I get out the car, still telling her how I was looking forward to meeting her folks and all. This was in Oak Brook. It was about 100 yards from the car to the restaurant. So, all this time I'm walking and talking- looking like an idiot- she's in the car waiting (I GUESS) for me to open the freakin' door for her! Well, that wasn't gonna happen. I went in the restaurant, had nice a nice meal and a couple of glasses of Merlot.and waited for Liz to catch up to me. Well, some girls can be hard-headed, I guess. I can be too- you know that. But, I felt sorry for her. I told the waiter what happened, gave him an extra $20 and askedhim to bring her a little something when he got off shift. Then I called a cab for me. What? You think I'm gonna drive her home after that?! I didn't like the car anyways. It was a Buick. What was I thinking? Women- what are you gonna do...

With special thanks to:

Friday, November 11, 2011

It'll come to me....

Sure I felt sorry for Rick Perry. You don't have to be a doddering, old fool of a Texas governor to have a *senior moment*  and fail to complete a thought. How many of us did that as seniors in highschool or college, speaking in front of the class? And even our illegal immigrants must have....senor momentos.... pues- perdoneme, no recuerdo la palabra....

It happens to pretty much everyone, at some point in their lives. It doesn't define Rick Perry but, let's face it;  he's pretty much toast now as a contender for the republican nomination. As one Ferrerman put it this morning at breakfast: "You can put a, uh, er- this thing right here in my hands- uh- fuck, I'm eating eggs with it! Uhhhh... whatever- .Perry's done!"

See? It even happens to Ferrerman!

So, it's very forgivable. The man may not look it but, he's human.

What I find fault with is the spin-doctors in his party who will spin this to display his human side by regurgitating the *57 states* vomit they spun about Obama. There are people out there who *believe* and want you to believe that the president of the United States, believes that there are 57 of those states in his country. Of course, he does not. I've heard the recording. You'd have to be mentally homeless to CERTAIN he meant 57 states. More than likely he meant 57 stops.  I believe that, in context, the words were uttered while he was campaigning for the presidency. States, stops, whatever. There were 57 of 'em.  I'd bet my life that Obama didn't think there were 57 states in the union then. Would you bet your life now that he does now?  The same goes for the spinners who scoff at victims of Herman Cain's roaming hands coming forward now. Do you also doubt the Penn State children?  Do you think they are "piling on", "seeking money", "lame-stream media assassins" out to get Paterno?

So, yes, Perry had my empathy at those moments. I've actually seen him in a better light as he's campaigned than when I first heard about him and he was making noise about seceding from the Union. I've lived more than a third of my life in the South and that talk bemuses me except when it comes from the higher-ups whom I believe should know better. Whatever he did say regarding secession did not result in any firing on Fort Sumter so, water under the bridge. Personally, he is too Bush-like to me to have had a serious chance anyway. We're just three years removed from the eight year stench of GW Bush and no one wants that again. Nice man but, he's not gonna be president, gaffes or no.

FORK!!!! You can put a FORK in him because he's done!

That's what I meant to say!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

This morning....

You know you've been on Topix too long when you wake up thinking about "The Walking Dead".

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Mods are not here to create disorder....

....they are here TO PRESERVE disorder! DUH!

Very few of my friends and family know that I ever posted  on Topix. It's one of those things, like masturbation, that you know everyone is capable of doing but, you just know you shouldn't talk about it in polite company. So, like whacking off, I'm not proud of it no matter how good I am at doing it.

Boy, I sure showed some talent! On the Topix I'm sure I mean. I was high-profile, controversial and humorous as well as poignant, and often all at once. I was nowhere near being the best poster ever but, I did make the Hall Of Fame. I certainly pissed a lot of lesser posters off in the process. That was fun! Honestly, I made it look easy.

I think Topix was pleased. Until recently, I never even got a warning. I kept my posts reasonably clean even when Topix abandoned all decorum and let people post vulgarities. Fuck those motherfuckers! There's a time and place for such crap. Why do they cheapen it? The cocksuckers....

It's a business. Topix is the Foxnews of message boards. Fox knows what sells and so does Topix. If, for example, democrats and republicans are not getting along, it's in Fox's interest to exploit that. That kinda stuff get's people watching. People watching translates into advertising dollars. Making money, is what it's all about. If you're the least bit republican, you have to worship that.

Topix is a lot of things but, for the most part, it's a sewer. Topix likes to keep it that way because enough people like it that way that it is profiable. There are some who seem to be content to post salutations all day to other posters but, 90% of it is people fighting. And it is fighting that keeps people coming back....for the most's a mixed bag.

I see a lot of regular posters NOT posting, if that makes sense. Some people are so sick of the fighting that they have pretty much given up posting like I have. Some are far more sensitive than I. It's definitely annoying that every post I make is iconned and trashed five or six times (usually by one asshole under a couple of names) but, that's life on Topix. Topix counts on that, thrives on that and expects that. People un-related to my posts hate that but, Topix doesn't care about that because, well, they'll post anyway AND the fuckhead will post 5-6 responses to my posts, running up a tab with the advertisers.

That's not my beef, as ignorant as that is. My beef with Topix is, no matter how much I and my friends complain about a specific cocksucker posting my real name, Topix chooses to NOT do anything about it.

I can only conclude that Topix wants people to know my name because they are doing nothing to stop it. Thus, the mods are there to PRESERVE disorder. Disorder is good for business.

To be fair to Topix, they know that banning some asshole's avatar means they have to take two minutes out of their life to open a new e-mail account and re-apply for a new avatar with Topix. So, with that as part of the equation, why should they care? When you're in charge of slapping the wrists and the slapping of the wrists does nothing, why bother? To actually ban someone, as other forums do, could cost revenue. Your average, whiney Ferrerman will just have to lump it if he doesn't like it and post more!

Either that or fuck Topix by not posting anymore.

You get what you pay for and Topix is free. And worth every penny!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Last Great Poster

Topix got old a longer time ago than I care to admit. My biggest fan- as seen in the previous post- is indicative of how ugly it's gotten lately. That sorry bastard spends his days and nights creating new avatars and unregistered nicknames to troll myself and a few others. It's supposed to be political rivalry but he barely goes through the motions of politics anymore. I'm not sure he ever really did. Politically I think the guy is more of a neo-Nazi than anything. I recall when his posts were somewhat political he thinly disguised his hatred of black people with a pretty blatant hatred for black presidents. THAT is half of Topix. There's a part of me that would like to see Herman Cain get elected president because guys like my biggest fan/stalker would fucking explode with hatred!

Well, that's not gonna happen but, as a Ferrerman, you know I fucking love irony.

Topix, now more than ever, is the Wild West of trolling. As long as the post counts remain high and the advertising money rolls in, they don't mind people swearing, for example. Three years ago when I started posting, LOL showed up as *** because it was considered offensive, as if one were laughing at another poster rather that with them. Now, you can post: "That's FUCKING hilarious dude!" and no one seems to care.

A lot of people. noticing what people are getting away with are also noticing who is getting away with what. Some people think some posters are employed by Topix to provoke others in the threads to promote more posts. Why not? I think it's lame but you'd do that too if your business relied on a volume of posts to receive advertising revenue. I'm fairly confident that the Republican party employs a few folks- perhaps on Topix but, certainly elsewhere on the 'net- to put their propaganda out there under the guise of it being 'real people' posting their 'real thoughts'. Again- why not? I'm sure they don't pay too well.

One reason might be, too many people are out there giving it away!

Damn sluts!

That's the case with biggest fan/stalker. That guy's the fat girl at the bar giving it away. The pro's are working a somewhat better part of town, I would imagine.

No, my boy is just full of hate and what he lacks in talent, he makes up for in having a lot of time to post. Topix needs him as if he were an employee though. Aside from single-handedly puffing up the post count for them, his posts provoke more posts from several other posters. This asshole may make 300-400 posts each day, registered and not. That's close to 3,000 a week and there are thousands of posters like him. I don't know what Topix' deal with the advertisers is but, I bet they're making a few dollars....

But, not from me. I'm sick of their not doing anything about my complaints. The asshole regularly posts videos that happen to have my real life name on  them along with links to this blog. Myself and friends write Topix asking them to remove the posts and to ban the cocksucker's avatar but, they do neither. Honestly, from their perspective, why bother? They know full well that the guy will just do it again. More than likely the fuckhead got my name from someone whom I was friends with on Facebook. I should have known better.... The legendary Dean Davis was banned more times than he can count and he just kept coming bac moments later with new ID's. This prick is not the (cough) talent that Dean was but, it takes 2 minutes to sign up for a Topix account even though it's one per email, last I knew.  They probably changed that when they realized it was kinda detrimental to business. Like legalizing pot, while it wouldn't ruin crime, would kinda fuck up the prison rolls leaving too much room for yucky gang-bangers. Who wants that? Not the guards or the corporations that own the prisons..

I can't change Topix. People try. Ginny surely does and those silly Topix Keeper kids- I guess that's what they're all about. Maybe? Hey, if Topix can't see fit to curtail the cussing and keep people from posting people's personal information, then they don't need my business. They're not willing to act on these issues because they don't care and the reality is, that's not their problem. I'm the one who cares about this, not them. I get that part. I also get that Topix is a business. It's my choice whether I choose to patronize them just as it's their choice to refuse (or not) service to anyone. In technical terms, if I don't like it, I can lump it.

All in all, it was a good experience. I met people whom I otherwise would not have had the pleasure of knowing. They know who they are. I fought alongside some brilliant AND FUNNY liberals against some of the most despicable republican assholes EVER. We whupped 'em all and had fun doing it.

Now the fun's over. The inmates are running the asylum. These are someone's 'good ol' days' on Topix now. That is very sad. I now leave Topix to the assholes who made it what it is today.