It was a dark and stormy night when the High Plains Ferrerman rode into Topix Town. Somewhere outside, a dog was barking.
and Hell followed with him...
He set into the AmyAbbyville section of Topix Town, a little enclave that had seen better days. It had been a thriving community full of lively conversation, controversy and even humor until one day the newspaper pulled up stakes, leaving the denizens of the town high, dry and devoid of topics to discuss. With the newspaper gone, hundreds of people left overnight for parts unknown. AmyAbbyville had just about become a ghost town with just a few "regulars" and some folks who had aimlessly drifted into town and clung to the "regs" for protection from trolls.
The "Regulars" had always thought they had run AmyAbbyville. Now it appeared they did. There wasn't much to run though. It seemed that most of the citizens stood around discussing social issues of the day until they tired of that and the conversation turned to sexual prowess. Several of the ladies were actresses, he gathered, because they were always talking about performing fellatio. However, they all loved and revered their boyfriends, each of which was named Bob. There were some dudes in AmyAbbyville. Ferrerman didn't care. They seemed like Bob's too.
AmyAbbyville was ruled by an unseen force known only by a set of numbers. "770" sat behind a curtain day and night, writing and re-writing the rules of the town. Her decrees were enforced by a large, fierce woman of three letters. Conversation was controlled by her. 770 would decide where and when politics would be discussed and the 3 lettered girl would stand guard. Though sex talk was frowned upon by 770, she allowed the 3 lettered girl much lee-way over that because it appealed to the prurient senses of the masses and she got vicarious kicks from the sexual urges of plain folk and their common, orgasmic ways. It never snowed down south but, things were a little frosty just the same.
Ferrerman made the aquaintance of a dancehall gal, known as "amc". A comely lass with the heart of a heart of gold. amc schooled him on the ways and means of AmyAbbyville. Much of it was mean. The regs had been mean to an old man who shouted when he spoke. 770 herself had run out of town a man and his young daughter when the man dared to be proud of his girl's scholarly acumen. There were more crimes, most too hideous to mention. Even a jaded Ferrerman was shocked. He asked if anyone had ever taken up for these people- stood up to the bullies.
There was a man, she said. His name was "ex-ferrer". He was an infrancinanophile.
"He's the reason this town's afeared a strangers!"
And what had happened to this man? She didn't want to talk about it...her thoughts seemed to drift off...she flashed back to a night of whips...frightened, laughing towns people...
Oops! That was just a typical fantasy of 770. She was kinda freaky that way. The ex-ferrer had just left town one day. Probably off on one of his forays into Guntown or Obamaburg. Who knows? So many had left AmyAbbyville never to be heard from again. She was fittin' to leave herself. The town was just too mean. She left the next day.
Ferrerman knew what to do. He ordered 300 gallons of red paint. He left it in the middle of town. The regs, drunk on an elixar known as "bubble tea" (secret ingredient: crack) poured the paint all over the town. Maniacal laughter filled the air. The frenzy lasted all night into the wee hours of the morn. Ferrerman watched, shaking his head at the sight. The fools! They just didn't know that red cannot cover itself. You need at least a white background but a blueish/gray primer is best. But, they sure looked comical. When sober, they would be back to their mean ways. The paint would wear thin and become a pinkish hue that would flatter the ladies and dudes alike. Rather fitting for a town without pity.
Ferrerman rode slowly out of town pausing to erect a sign on the outskirts. The three lettered girl cried out: "Come back, Ferrerman! 770 loves you! I love you!"
The three lettered girl then looked at the sign. She looked at Ferrerman riding away. "A mighty impressive erection" she said.
Wasn't much of a sign though. It simply said: "Hell".
And Hell fell behind him as he rode north...
8 comments:
Looks like you struck a nerve.
For people who hate you so much, they sure are fascinated with your blog.
It was fucking hilarious, by the way.
dancehall gal? I always figured that amc chick was a little more upscale.
either way - entertaining post. will be fun to see how many devoted non-readers come out of the woodwork to tell you how much they don't care what you have to say.
Even with all the drama, your posts are rather entertaining. A good break from my day.
Any chance you have a babble-to-english translator? Still trying to figure out what "unking" means.
I'm installing a babble to english translator as well as a breath analyzer to test for alcohol.
Suggest installing the alcohol breath test first - I think that may take care of the need for the babble-to-english translator.
All so true...I don't know which of the dregs is most pathetic: the red-headed slut, the nose-in-the-air "psychologist" (yeah...right), or the metal-head loving child hater. The amount of time they spend patting each other on the back is not so much sad as it's disturbing.
True. But, you left one out. On a rainy day last week, I googled ferrerman and saw posts made in that name that I had never made. One of those was the one that evidently got the whole feud fired up. It was on a thread I had never seen before. This person is the one that i later knew hijacked my name and the avatar. Though I stand by everything that I HAVE said, it's a shame that I have to stand for things that some sad, little woman said "for" me. They are their own worst enemies and very deserving of each other.
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