Edumacate me

Stever and I were taking a break when a woman approached and chatted us up on the work we were doing at the mall. She seemed to know a bit about painting, peppering her conversation with "...when we do (this and that)..." I gathered that she was an interior decorator and that she wanted to impress me with her knowledge. She told us that she had recently done a faux tin ceiling at a bank in town and that it was so good that the general contractor got up on a ladder to inspect it and make sure she hadn't actually tricked him and installed a real tin ceiling instead.

I was halfway through my smoke and too far into this conversation, I thought. But, I went ahead and asked her about it anyway. She told me couldn't tell me how to do it.

"I'm a broke-down, wore out, ol' commercial painter, ma'm but I think I can keep up with ya'"

"Let me put it this way", she said, "I WON'T tell ya how to do it."

I was taken aback. Stever, who was not one to suffer fool's gladly, walked off shaking his head.

"Well, break time's over! Very nice chatting with you!" I walked away.

I actually had been slightly curious about how to do a faux tin ceiling and, while such finishes are not part of my resume, I could be walked through such an endeavor without stumbling too much. Clearly, she was not going to walk with me/talk with me. Except for her own self aggrandizement, why had she brought it up? I was running a crew re-painting a mall. I doubt I gave the impression that I was hoping to steal her thunder and skills and repaint the mall in a faux tin motif.

Our boss, Little Jimmy, was the same way. He had me prime a steel door in a lease recently so that he could put a faux finish on it to mimic the stained Oak doors elsewhere in the lease. That I wanted to see. Little Jimmy told me to leave. He did not want me to witness the technique.

"Don't you think this is something I should know how to do for the good of the company?" I argued. He did not. "Well, suppose you went into a coma because I beat you about the head with a 2 to 4 pole 'cause you wouldn't show me how to do a door like this. How would the door get done?"

Jimmy sighed. He knew I wasn't gonna brain him. He also knew I wasn't going to go away. He showed me his big-time trick.

It isn't magic. The tips and techniques are all out there in books and on TV and the internet whether it be a door or- I guess- the most wonderful fake tin ceiling in town. (I never checked on that ceiling. It WAS probably good but i'm pretty sure the contractor was humoring her and was better at that than Stever or I) The thing is, there should be a teacher inside of all of us. Too few let that teacher out. I know more about painting than anyone who might read this will ever know, or want to know. None of this information is classified. I've yet given anyone the benefit of my knowledge and then killed them. I probably won't. The reality of it is, though it is how I pay the bills, not everyone can afford to pay someone to paint for them. They have to do it themselves and they need help and are smart enough to ask questions of the right people. On the job, various tradesmen would ask me about painting. Quid pro quo, they were always there for my questions about electrical or plumbing. It's a damn decent thing to do.

Those who can, do. Those who can, also teach.

Oh- Little Jimmy's door? This was ten years ago, it was a one time deal for me but, I'll try to walk you through it with what I recollect. With the steel door painted a beige color for a background, we them mixed up a quart of sealer and oak stain. This is all experimental but I think we wound up with a fifty/fifty mix. You then drag a brush lengthwise down the door to mimic the grain of wood. You play with it until it looks right. Nature isn't perfect and neither should you be. Randomness is the key to any faux finish. Dab the brush to imitate a knot. There's no one way of doing something like this. The glaze has a fair working time with it but, if it does set up on you, it can be wiped off with a rag soaked in thinner and you can start again. When you're done- when it looks like a wood-grained door, let it dry over-night. Then roll a coat of sealer or varnish to protect it. No big deal. Like I said, it's been ten years. If I left a step out it's because I'm old and i've lost a step or two over the years. It wasn't because I'm evil or secretive. Oh, and bake at 350 degrees for one hour. Enjoy!