The Jerk Store is open

The word is that Mitt Romney has been practicing zingers to combat Barack Obama at tonight's first debate. Given that the debate is about domestic issues- the economy, healthcare, etc.- Romney might want to stick to one story about those assorted issues and actually tell the American people what he intends to do rather than do his stand up set.

You don't plan zingers. Comedy, to me, is about location and timing. When you tell jokes, you provide the set-up to the punchline. With zingers, your opponent is supposed to provide the set-up and he or she does this unknowingly. You have to work off of what they say and, if they don't say it, you wind up being like George Costanza and later coming up with what you think is a zinger. With that sort of ill-fated timing, it is you that winds up at the Jerk Store, sitting on the shelf. In the best laid plans of mice and Mormon, you've got to be quick on your feet with zingers. Cute catch phrases or zings don't work if you're just getting them in there, regardless of timing. Romney should know this because the late, great, Ted Kennedy totally owned him years ago in the Massachusetts senatorial debates. Kennedy was the better man in policy as well as in wit.

Your Ferrerman is pretty quick on his feet. I'm often a hit on Facebook and I get trolled on Topix by so many losers because I've smacked the ironic shit out them a few times. I'm the reason that town's afeared of Ferrerman. I might have mentioned that a time or two. But, I can't give my greatest hits here because it's almost exclusively situational humor that would be an ordeal to outline and probably not all that funny, after all that as the context would be lost. You truly have to have been there. And, I don't write these things down. Maybe I should?

Mostly I feed off of what others say. Whether it's innocent or provocative, I'll find some irony in there and mine it. We're not talking meanness here. I really don't like to go there unless someone has already put them self in that neighborhood. I find myself holding my tongue in some social situations and biting my fingers on social networks. I try not to hurt feelings but, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. The thing with the debates is, Romney, being the arrogant, out-of-touch rich asshole that he is,  should be the one getting zinged, not the zinger. It's the zinger, not the zong? I don't know...maybe I should work on that one...

When Romney ad-libs, he finds himself insulting people. Like the time at the rainy NASCAR race when he was speaking to some fans who, to keep themselves dry, fashioned ponchos out of garbage bags. He said something like: "You really sprang for the big bucks on those!"

Ouch. A guy with $250+ million dollars to his name snickers at working folks attire. Well, he didn't even have a Barnaby's raincoat on himself so, don't disrespect the working folks who thought ahead enough to stuff a hefty bag into their back pocket because might rain. They may not have been fashionable but they were dry and he was all wet. He went on to compound things by admitting he didn't follow NASCAR but, some of his friends owned teams. Great. More millionaires. Well, they are his base.

Our president, on the other hand, is the sort of man who, while Navy SEALS are en route to kill Osama Bin Laden, stays stone cold cool about those events while verbally spanking the day lights out of Donald Trump at the Washington Press Corps event. I forget the timing. Bin Laden might have been dead by that time. But, shit was going down or had gone down and he was cool. It wasn't the proper venue for historical zingers.

I wonder if former comedian, Dennis Miller, has prepped Romney with material. We'll know if Mittens  refers to our president as "Chachi" if he had a hand in there. Miller is the only republican I can think of who intentionally tries to be funny. The others just don't think on their feet when they speak. A smart guy would skip the comedy and debate the issues but, if that guy was in the republican primaries at all, he won't be representing the "R's" tonight. Well, they did say "anybody but Obama..." Romney is anybody. And he's an anybody who is about as prepared to be president of the United States as he is to be the featured performer at The Chuckle Junction.

"Don't forget to tip your waitress's and bartenders, ladies and germs. The standard 10% of course. 11% if they are properly civil in their service. Lousy 47 percenters... Oh, is this thing on?"