This Old Ferrerman

After watching the DIY Channel this weekend, I've discovered that something is lacking in my life.

I need a spankable bottom.

I'm not talking about my butt. I don't like to talk about my butt. Please, stop thinking about my butt.

The spankable bottom that I need is the one that every homeowner on the HGTV and DIY shows seems to have. Ever notice that? It's almost always young couples that are chosen to receive the yard or home makeovers and the women are pretty damn good-looking. The husbands are usually gooberheads and probably not eye candy for the ladies in the viewing audience. So no one cares about them.

I know these are real people with their own real homes getting improved but, I think some casting is done both on the job in question and the homeowners. I just don't think that Ahmed is really strolling the aisles of LOWES blindly looking for just anyone's backyard to make over. My friend alerted me to the fact that, for example, on those HGTV house hunter shows, the people already have a house in escrow and the other two *choices* are just to fill up a half hour show. So, being lazy, I can't report on how the improvements are paid for, if they are paid for or if these folks are really getting hot tubs and landscaping completely free. I hope so because that it cool. Why not? Part of the deal on most of the shows is that the couple contributes sweat equity, their own and that of their friends. They may never have hammered a nail but they get professional instruction and they sure do try!

And folks, theirs something about seeing an attractive woman doing stuff like this that really excites me. I think the producers know this. They know what their doing. It's not intended to be pornographic like chicks in bikinis shooting full auto weapons but, I think it's very sexual. Women getting dirty! You dirty girl!

Really, all the homeowners are super nice people too. The hosts are charming and funny and there's just enough technical stuff in an episode to interest a Ferrerman too. I know how to do a lot of stuff and always want to learn more. If they can't teach me something, they can be and are very entertaining at showing me how they do stuff.  All the shows seem very well done. I'm not sure it's in production anymore but Holmes On Homes is an excellent lesson in how people get ripped off by contractors, how those guys went wrong and how things should have been done in the first place.  It's not all fluff and outdoor cooking areas.

So, what's a Ferrer to do? As if a liberal minded woman weren't enough, now I want one that is that, spankable and can run a backhoe.

Well, two outa three would suffice. I'd be lost on a backhoe too. And, I'm a gooberhead!