Everybody Must Get Stoned

T is a huge Bob Dylan fan. So am I. We have both seen Martin Scorcese's "No Direction Home" several times and, in a recent discussion, I asked her if she had ever heard that the singer, Jewel, had referred to Bob as "(an) old homo" because he had declined to sleep with her. T had not heard that. She did not believe that assertion. He's Bob Dylan. Damn.

Women, throughout history, have done most of the romantic rejecting whether it be the playground, the senior prom or match.com. This side of movie stars, athelete's and rock star's, that's just the way it is. Men have to be in a desirable position of power- or be a pizza delivery man with a difference (as in the porno's)- to be in a position to reject women. Otherwise, we're supposed to take what is offered to us and like it.

Women do not handle rejection very well. If they are good looking, like Jewel, who like a few million other women in the world could walk into any bar in the world, offer their body and be swamped with acceptance, they won't fret much about rejection. Your average, non-celebrity good looking guy, probably couldn't do as well in the same situation. (For the record, I haven't tried. Believing as I do that a man's got to know his limitations, I probably would tire after three or four women and want to fall asleep to SportsCenter. So, what's the point? )

I had to reject a woman once. I was maybe 25 and she was in her mid-fifties. She was the ex-mother in law of my ex- step brother, Timmy (if you're scoring at home) and, I wasn't the least bit attracted to her though she was wild about me. This was back in the 80's, before "cougars" were invented. I think she was a badger. I don't recall her name but, I'll call her "D" here. D had been married seven time's before but, I'm not certain that any one of them was an 'enry. I had suspected that as many as six of them might have been prison lifer's though. Regardless, I wasn't about to be 'er eighth ol' man, Ferrerman. Despite her marital history, D was simply not an attractive woman to a young fella such as myself who was as young and pretty (at the time) as like to think I was...

Anyway, D had shown up at a bar me and Timmy were at one night, and she made it clear that her sights were set on me. As luck would have it, Diane, a co-worker of mine, also showed up that night. While D was freshening up in the badger's room, I met Diane at the door, explained the situation to her and asked her to be my girlfriend for the evening. She cheerfully obliged.

I don't know that I could have picked a better faux girlfriend. Diane was of Puertorican/Dominican extraction. Exotic and dark, she could pass for Jennifer Beals and had actually done so in a bar one night. Her girlfriend had playfully run a bluff on the manager of a latenight place and she and "Jennifer Beals" were rewarded with champagne and drinks on the house. Diane waitressed where I tended bar. She was pretty good at that but, her greatest talent was that she could change out of her work clothes (slacks) and into a dress to go to a club. Oh, I should mention she did this while DRIVING. Very talented. I drove behind her twice while she did this. Please, kids- don't try this stunt in your car. She pulled it off (along with her pants and all) but, it's not a good idea.

I introduced her to D as my girlfriend. Diane and I smooched and caressed each other, as lovers do. D cast a suspicious eye. She began to ask questions. Diane and I had worked and partied together for several months at that point so, we knew each other pretty well as friends. We hadn't had much time to concoct a background story but, we were both good at winging it. We were pretty good at making out too.

"I could get used to this", I whispered to Diane as she nibbled on my neck.

"It's just for tonight," she cooed back, her lips rising to my ear.

True. Good looking as she was, Diane was a little wacky for me. We liked each other but, we fought a lot while working. She was no more full-time girlfriend material for me than I was full-time boyfriend material for her. I think we had both reached that conclusion long before that night. But, ya know, when you're making out with somebody, you can't help but wonder...

A reasonable woman in D's position would quickly realize that she was over-matched by Diane. D was not a reasonable woman but, she eventually gave in that night, bowing to the youth and beauty of Diane. She reluctantly gave us her blessing, the night ended and all concerned went home safe, un-satisfied but with all feelings intact. Nobody got hurt.

I still feel a little bad for D. Perhaps she was once as young and pretty as she used to like to think she was. Seven husbands, ya know. But when I met her she was twice my age and playing in a different league than I. Rejection is never easy but, if a man or a woman know's their limitations- if not their desires and needs- rejection doesn't have to happen. In a sense, Diane had already "rejected" me prior to that evening because we had never hooked up before. They say that women know in something like 10 seconds if they would like to sleep with a man or not. Same for men, I reckon. That all seems fair and normal human behavior to me. The problem arises, in both men and women, if you "know" within 10 seconds that you WILL sleep with that person. Self-deception is not limited to short, fat bald guys.

It was ignorant of Jewel to validate herself by attempting to tarnish Dylan's sexuality with his reputed brush off of her. He couldn't possibly not be interested in her, too old for her? He just had to be an "old homo"? Please. He's Bob Dylan.

Jewel will one day be in her sixties. She may set her sights one day on a young, up and coming folk/pop star. He may go for that, may opt to get himself not just a piece but a piece of folk/pop history.

Or, he might just pass on the "old dyke"...

Well I would not feel so all alone...