Thumbs Up!

My thumbnail finally fell off. I tell ya, if a part of your body falls off and you hold it in your hand, count your blessings if it's just a thumbnail.

About five weeks ago I was using one of those fold-up ladders you may have seen around. You might have one in your garage. If you do- shoot it. Kill it now before it kills you.

They're actually pretty good. This one is made by Keller, a known, good maker of ladders. It's a type I, solid hunk of aluminum, 17 feet extended. That it folds into four sections makes it practical to transport. It would sorta fit in a lot of car trunks and definitely fit in any truck. I like it. It just took some getting used to and, that first day, it almost took my thumb.

If I'm boring any lame-ass IT guys with this, sorry! Go on and think about how your advice column didn't work out. It wasn't because the world wasn't ready for a male advice columnist. They were ready for Jeff Zazlow some 25 years ago. The world just didn't need your sorry-ass take on things.

Anyway, I was breaking the ladder down to extend it when it collapsed REALLYFAST on my thumb. I had one side locked in and was fixing to do the other when it snapped shut. I almost got my hand out in time. It caught the tip of the thumb about 3/4".

I invented new swear words as I danced around the yard, horrible, disgusting words never before heard on this planet. I know this because I checked.

I cannot print them here because the copyright process is a slow one and though I seem to be stymied with that right now, I don't want someone with more legal smarts than me beating me out of my copyright. I already took the risk when I did some consulting of potential users of these words.

I first called the United States Navy. Sailors are known for their colorfull language. I had visions of government contracts on my mind. I spoke with an Admiral, a lifer. He told me that in his 25 years of service he had never heard such vulgarity. "The Navy has no use for such filth!" he declared before giving me the number for the Marines and telling me "Have a nice day, asshole!"

I didn't have any luck with the Marines either. Evidently they are not allowed to talk like "Full Metal Jacket" anymore. Who knew? And the Longshoreman's Union and the Teamsters wouldn't return my calls after several messages and hang-ups.

So, I found a copyright attorney who is gonna see what he can do. Mr. Smucatelli has the worlds prettiest receptionist. This gal is stacked. Damn good looking. Sally is kinda young though, maybe too young for me. I was certainly interested in her but, I don't think she reciprocated. I gave her a copy of my words. Well, she asked.

"Oh my!" she declared. "Are these the kind of things you would say while making passionate, violent love to a woman?"

Heavens no. I could never talk to a woman like that!

"Well, there goes my weekend" she sighed. "Yours too".

I don't know what she meant by that. You know how women are. They cab be very msyterious.

So, no word back yet from Smucatelli or Sally about the status of the copyright. But, I'm glad that the nail is off, a new one is on it's way and that raw, nasty flesh beneath the old nail is tougher than it looks.

Who knew?