Names

I'm already tired of the people who say: "Don't even speak their names!"

Please- can you even pronounce their names, the names of the Boston bombers? They don't exactly roll off the tongue the way our American terrorist's names do.

Lanza. Loughner. Holmes. Klebold. Harris. Rudolph. McVeigh. 

Tamerlan and Dzhokahar Tsarnaev?

Are you fucking kidding me? I can't spell their names without looking two, three times and I'm not about to commit it to memory. The newspersons have to do that but, I don't. It is sad that the victims names, though committed to history, are in few peoples memories beyond their families. That's the way that goes.

We do need to know why these assholes did this. If you're looking for a good reason, you'll never find it. However, it is important to know if they did this for their religion, for kicks or to impress Jodie Foster. This is why most people were hoping the younger one would be taken alive. Answer questions. Then we can kill you.

It was unprecedented, in modern times at least, to shut down an entire city to search for terrorists but, bombers can cause such a reaction. The last thing a city needs after one bombing is people gathered in places where more bombs could go off. Take away the targets, you render any other bombs pretty much useless. And there were more bombs. These assholes definitely had more mayhem in mind. Boston did all they could to cheat them while they figured out how to beat them. Much will be made of the millions of dollars lost to the business's that day but, happily, we'll never know what the loss of life could have been.

And, of course, there had to be conspiracies out of the gate. On Monday, dickhead Glenn Beck will reveal White House and Saudi involvement in the bombing. He's given the White House the entire weekend to own up to their involvement. Or, he's given himself the entire weekend to come up with a reason the Saudis would work with the White House, something they haven't likely done since- oh- September of '01? No one said there would be a good reason.

We can't help but know the names of these scumbags. Mark David Chapman murdered one of the greatest singer/songwriters of all time but, John Lennon lives on in the hearts, minds and history of millions while Chapman rots in jail. Shouldn't certain scumbags be reminded by society that such heinous acts result ultimately only in their own death and/or historical dishonor? You'd think they would have gotten that by now.

Coming Attractions

Well, I was watching the ballgame on FOX (White Sox lost- YAY!) and the gossip show, TMZ comes on- almost literally.

A camera crew was outside a restaurant where celebrities are known to dine and they saw Heather Locklear and her guy, probably waiting for the valet to fetch their car. I guess they do that. I mean, I know the valets do. Now I know the camera crews hang out while valets fetch cars.

Heather Locklear recently turned 51 and she looks pretty good. Guess what her secret is.

If you guessed semen facials, you are correct.

That's what she said. Let's go to the videotape:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s99EFUaHQH8

I don't know who her date was but, as you saw, he couldn't keep it zipped up. I guess that was just a post bathroom, wardrobe malfunction. Heather would have copped to having just blown him. It would have been as plain as the nose on her face, by golly!

They probably had a couple of cocktails at dinner, I guess. But, she's always been kinda bluntly blunt. I remember her a few decades back talking about how she preferred men with really big dicks. She dated Tommy Lee and other apparently big men. It probably got to a point where just being seen with her added four or five inches to a guy. I recall a Chicago DJ noting that men would, after a few more years, need to strap a board to their ass to keep from falling inside her. That's actually an old joke but, it might have been good advice. Maybe they should have asked her date if he had protection in the form of a 2x12?

Well, good for her, I guess. Imagine how youthful she look today if she had done porn instead of "TJ HOOKER"!

You don't say! You don't say!

Sometimes a telemarketer will call while I have company and, rather than hang up or cuss them out (mean, BTW, if you're scoring at home) I'll instead just listen and periodically say, "You don't say?" By the time the marketer has given up, I might have said (nothing but) "you don't say" at least a half dozen times. Invariably, if the Gods are willing and the stars are aligned, my guest will ask: "Who was that?"

I don't know...he didn't say! Hilarity ensues...

Silly, eh? But, "you don't say" is a pretty good way to be on the internet. It's not foolproof and it isn't the best segue in a blog post and it might not be the best title for one either but, it will do for now.

You don't say where you live and where you work and such on the internet because, you don't want creepy people knowing that sort of personal info, right? Everybody knows that. Right?

I don't know that that's a real threat. There are certainly many creepy people on the internet but, for the most part, I don't know how truly dangerous they are. My stalker, for example, has posted my name about one hundred times. I'm sure s/he has shared it with others via PM's and e-mails. Nobody has killed me yet. If they do, they'll most likely be caught and give up everybody involved anyway. Even if they didn't, they've left an electronic trail. These trolls aren't criminal genius's. They just make the mistake of thinking they are. They want you to make that mistake too.

I'm surprised at how little they know about me. They just ballpark everything. Then it's a combination of basic facts that you provide and extrapolations off of that. Like: "I got a parking ticket!" becomes: "HE DID TIME FOR MURDER!" Shit like that. Really. I've had posters put it out there that I had been in jail. No times, dates, charges or anything like that. Just the letters spelling out that- to their knowledge- I had done time... that's all they knew....could I confirm or deny that?

"When did you stop beating your wife?" is alive and well on the internet.

Never mind people finding out real stuff about you. They are more concerned with what bullshit they can make up about you and who they can get to believe that.

The sixth grade is alive and well on the internet.

You are supposed to deny everything, I guess, so that someone can wink and say, "Well, he would deny that, now...wouldn't he?"

The Upright Ladies Guild of Snootyville is alive and well on the internet.

I follow the teachings of former co-worker, Larry Mysterioso, and instead of lying and making shit up, I just don't give many solid, personal details about my life. I don't have a back story to keep track of. Life's a lot easier that way. People will accept a combat veteran of Vietnam as gospel but, gossip about a divorce, especially one that wasn't that unusual is to be cherished. It's just odd what people believe. I can make a thousand posts about "...the ladies calling me Two Nines" and some people won't believe I even have a dick- well, except a small one for photographic purposes to send to fake therapists...

No offense to women really, as the biggest offenders that come to mind on my corners of the internet are (alleged) males. Sambillycrunchykevinsub are the nastiest kitties on the net. They hiiiisssss at Ferrerman quite a bit. Not enough to make me cry but, that does seem to be the objective. I wouldn't drink with these guys, in real life. Have you seen the price of milk these days? When it'd be my turn to buy, those saucers would be expensive!

As it turns out...

Oops! A couple of days after I wrote about ArtGal's cancerous demise, I found out she was not at all quite dead after all.

Really, this wasn't that much of a surprise. I had dallied for several days in writing about her death because I just wasn't feeling it. I knew something wasn't kosher. I hate to have to write because it feels like school. So, I wrote it from the safe perspective that ArtGal  really was dead even if Andrea wasn't.

Though uneven because of her suffering from truthiness issues, she was an enjoyable poster. We knew she had lied in the past about her personal life. Well, that's Topix! Strangers on the internet don't need to know about your personal life but, you don't need to tell them you're a retired FBI secretary from the Behaviour Analysis Unit(!) unless you, well, need to. I have a knack for remembering details that people express about themselves. When these details change, I wonder why. It's usually because these people are fucking liars. We all know people like this In Real Life. If you think the internet is clogged up with fake Vietnam vets, you should work construction! You can't swing a hammer without hitting one! And then you want to swing that hammer again! Liars, folks, are everywhere! I am not making that up.

So, the internet, in that respect and so many others, is just like real life. My disgruntled friends I know from the 'net wonder how Ferrerman can't put up with these death-fakers and phoney vets and general fucking liars. It's easy! Here's how:

I don't actually know these motherfuckers. That makes a huge difference. The comfort zone of the internet is pretty nice. I've worked alongside these psychos in real life. Posting with the Sam's and the Oki's and Beckies and Angelique770's is much safer than actually walking among them. You don't have to watch your back. In real life if you are a Ferrerman and someone comes to every morning, and their entire day is dedicated to trying to destroy Ferrerman, it's a scary proposition! But, if you are a Ferrerman and someone comes to every morning and their entire day is dedicated to destroying Ferrerman's internet life, then it's just Thursday. Just a day like any other day.

It's interesting that a whole bunch of people who mourned ArtGal, all went looking for an obituary that they kinda sorta knew wasn't going to be there. Everyone saw the red flags. Internet liars are just like real life liars in that they can't remember their own bullshit. Most people can keep track of whether they are married or not and the number of kids they have. You'd think that would be important on the internet given that everything is written down (so to speak) but, you'd be wrong. It's perfectly acceptable, for example, to have a twin on the internet, even after someone finds a thread where you tell your twin that she'd really like your mom and should meet her some day.... Twins are very common on the internet. Soap operas too, I hear.

And, like soap operas, characters get written out of shows and sometimes that involves death. Most people get fed up with Topix and just quit posting and leave. Many get disgusted with it and re-register as another profile just to get away from the jerks they wound up posting with. Fake-dying is relatively rare but, it does happen enough to be too much. ArtGal evidently dragged out her cancer for like six years. At some point it's kill or cure, I guess. She was a bit of an attention whore but that had to end.

I don't know why these people continue to fancy themselves as criminal masterminds who have pulled off The Con Of The Century! They are toddlers, covering their eyes and believing that no one can see them. It's the internet! How hard is it to present yourself as anything when no one can see you? DUH!

But, just because everyone doesn't call you a fucking liar doesn't mean they believed your shit and you can be thanking the Academy anytime soon. I know the real life liars do believe they've gotten over on someone when they are not called out on their bullshit. Some of these people are so full of it, we could spend our days calling them out. If they wanna believe we believe they are secret agents- fine. Let's move on, Maxwell Dumb. I've actually had people- posting anonymously- giggle maniacally (I bet) that I don't know who they are! NO SHIT! Topix needs an app where these assholes can post with the letters of each word cut out from different newspapers, in different colors. Sheesh...

So, ArtGal is dead. To me, at least. Andrea lives on and that's fine. It turns out we didn't know each other, after all. I wish some of these other assholes might die off in a literary way. And honestly, if they are in real life as they are on Topix, getting run over by a truck wouldn't be a bad way for them to end their Topix career either...

HAPPY BLACK FRIDAY!!!!!

Several years ago, me and The Rascal were working in a lease in a building that had many mental health and psychiatrist offices. Because us painters are a creative bunch, we referred to it as "the crazy building". It did have that vibe to it.

It was Good Friday. That's a Friday like any other Friday to me being as how I'm not religious. I got into the elevator and a young black girl smiled at me.

"Too bad you have to work today" she said.

I replied that it was too bad I had to work any day but, that was the way life worked.

"Too bad you have to work today", she reiterated.

OK. Why?

"Because it's Good Friday!"

I explained to her that it was just another Friday to me, not being religious and all. But, conversation being what it's supposed to be, I asked if she was working.

Indeed she was. Well, that's too bad, I said, thinking I was commiserating with my elevator friend. I wasn't. She informed me she had no problem working on Good Friday. OK....

The door opened and I got out. I wrote it off to the building I was in. Once in the lease, I amused The Rascal with the odd conversation. He too wrote it off to our location. Just weird.

Well, it got weirder. Short time later, the black kid cleaning up the lease for the GC approached me and stated that it was too bad I had to work today. This bemused the shit outa me as obviously he had to work today too. I mentioned that and he again said that it was too bad I had to work that day.

What the what? I had never thought of Good Friday as a "white" holiday. No black person had ever described it as such to me before or since. But it happened again in the lobby of the building with yet another black woman. It was too bad that I had to work on Good Friday but business as usual for black folks? I can be a nice to a fault guy but, I'm not necessarily shy. I pursued it with all these people. I really wanted to know why it was a tragedy that my non-religious ass had to work on Good Friday. Sheesh- we're not talking Easter fucking Sunday. None of these people cared to elaborate. Candid Camera had been off the air for years and this was in the late 90's, long before internet pranks took hold. I probably looked around for cameras just the same. Just bizarre,

I'm not working today. If I get out and about and go anywhere (NOT church) and I see any black folks, surely they'll nod knowingly- nice that white fella got the day off.

In my imaginary life

I lost an imaginary friend the other day.

The poster known as ArtGal passed after a battle with cancer. She was a virtual acquaintance and I never met her. That's the way it goes with the internet. You get to know a lot of people that you may never meet in real life. They are still real though and that can be as awful as it can be awesome. Most people I meet on the internet make me feel sorry for them. If I were to meet some in real life, many would make me hope to remember to be well heeled. There are some truly awful people out there and they have internet to expand the horizons of their awfulness.

ArtGal was not one of those. She was mostly a joy. I love humor and she shared that love. She was one of a handful of people who I enjoyed reading so much that I never skimmed her posts. She could be very blunt dealing with obnoxious trolls or deft. I like fucking with people too 'cause that keeps them on their toes. When they're on their toes, they walk funny. It's much easier to deal with them like that.

I imagine that AG was as good looking as her avatar pictures presented her. This is to say, yes, I found her quite attractive. She was married too and a mom so, keep your dirty thoughts to yourself. I know I usually did.

That's the thing with imaginary internet people that we often forget. They do have lives and, in many cases, people who love them. We don't usually really know about these lives of theirs. We just like to think we do. I know I'm like my old co-worker, Larry Mysterioso, in that, I won't lie to folks- I just won't tell them stuff I don't think they need to know. That really keeps them on their toes...and dancing quite humorously...

ArtGal was one of several that I wish I did know, in real life. I think she would have represented well, mirroring in reality her on-line self.  A real person, here and there. I like to think so.

Goodbye, Andrea. I hope to see you on the other side someday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI0Q8ytD44Y

This Old Blog

I like the show, "Rehab Addict" on The DIY Network  (which I don't get) and HGTV, which I do get on the cable. The hostess, Nicole Curtis, is a cute little, blonde lady who has a great eye for old houses and what it takes to preserve and protect them. I'd be remiss in my duties as a Ferrerman if I didn't also mention that she has a spankable bottom. As important as that may be, it's not that important because, if you watch the aforementioned channels, so do all the other hostesses of the fix it/sell it shows. (Programming note: For you ladies, the hosts also tend to have (presumably) spankable bottoms. That's the predictability of equality in TV land).

What I like about her show is the preservation of the old houses, the keeping it real part. Why not sand and refinish that 100 year old oak floor? Does the whole world have to be tiled or carpeted? Bamboo flooring or cork is great and renewable resources and all that good stuff but, if a century of oak or maple is already there, use it- don't lose it. And if you want open concept buy it or build it. The Victorians didn't design that way. Nichole maybe be a little nutty in her ways but I think she comes by it honestly and wears it well. I also like the fact that she doesn't do her magic in three ridiculous days like the rest of the programs do. She has a budget and time-frame but, it's not three ridiculous days.

The other night I was on her Facebook page. She started a thread about greedy realtors  who take advantage of the elderly and the families of the recently deceased. That's often the way these FB pages go. You just throw something out their and see if anybody chases it. Some people jump on and tell her how cute she is. Others rave about the show. Some ask how to questions in the hopes that she has time to answer. Your Ferrerman gets all that but, the internet and it's various venues are also a place for dialogue and the exchange of thoughts and ideas. Conversation in the 21st century! How 'bout that?

Not everybody gets that or even tries. I'm used to agreeing or disagreeing with people and don't mind it when someone disagrees with me unless they're a complete dick about it. Even then, if you come by it honestly, i'm some degree of OK with it. Well, maybe...

I won't replay the whole thread but, since we were on the subject of scumbags, I mentioned I didn't care for the scumbags on another network that buy foreclosed homes at auction. These assholes take advantage of other people's misery but buy the homes hoping to flip them, spending as little as possible in the hopes of making as much as possible. OK, I get it. Buy low- SELL HIGH! This isn't speculating on storage lockers. It's big time real estate.

Well, some bitch took me slightly to task for my stance. Maybe she and her husband do that for a living? I looked at her page and saw she was a big fan of Fox news and other republican outlets. The GOP is of the opinion that the housing crisis was caused by people forcing bankers to sell them houses that they could not afford because they, must feel entitled or something because, that's the way liberals are...

People of the republican persuasion do feel that way. They have actually been taught to believe that. I think that was that poster's issue with me. Or, like I said, she might pimp houses and not like my assessment of house pimps. It could be she's just a persnickety bitch who likes to control conversations that she has no control over. A few dozen people remarking about how cute Nicole is- fine. One Ferrerman setting a conversational stone off the path- not good.

Well, a nice thread like that is not my place to be brawling .It does seem like everywhere I go these days, people want to fight about everything! This is because absolutely everything actually IS republican or democrat! Hey- you're talking to the Ferrerman that looked at the woman's FB page to determine that she was a jerkface, republican! You just got to know where and when to fight. If complimenting the very lovely thread host is staying on topic in the eyes of most readers, well, okie doakie. Mind you, I don't think Nicole is fishing for compliments. She did mention that she wasn't addressing foreclosures... I got that part- I was just- oh, never mind

 That's the three rules of real estate: location, location, location...

Those are also the three rules of blogging.